I never knew this

Well, given who my friends are, this seems important to know. See what happens when I don't check my "how-to" of the day for a little while?

ugh

Driving is Wisconsin is hell.

'Nuff said.

Things I learned today

The things I learned today

1. My Dad is a t-shirt snob. He will only play tennis in 100% cotton shirts. He refuses to play in blends because they are too hot. This is sad because, as mentioned before Mom and I hit paydirt at the Jockey Outlet and one of the Father's Day presents we got him was a workout shirt that is all polyester. Ann said that Uncle Dave wont run or play tennis in anything else, so at least we got an outside endorsement that they are cool.
2. It's really hot here. Perhaps I've already mentioned this once or twice... a minute... all day... every day.
3. I love Skyline.
4. I have lots to do at work when I get back and I need to remember to do it all.
   

wierd day

I had a very strange day yesterday. Mom and I went to the Jeffersonville Outlets. I hit paydirt at the Jockey store. My bras and underwear (which are usually super expensive) were $3.99 each. Randomly, my aunt Ann was shopping at the same set of outlets so we saw her for a while. It was toally wierd running into her there considering she lives like 45 miles away in the other direction.

Second and definitly more weird, Mom and I watched this movie called What the Bleep Do We Know. It's about quantum physics. It totally creeped me out. My Mom said she's never met anybody who could see it only once because it's so complicated. We are talking about quantum mechanics here. For example, did you know that

1. Even in atom (the most basic unit of whatever), there is mostly space between electrons and protons and neutrons. Atoms are mostly space yet we perceive our environment as solid.
2. Our eyes and our brain will only see what it knows can exist. So if our brain doesn't know something can exist, our eyes will not see it. When Colombus sailed to the Carribean islands, the indians there couldn't see his ships because they didn't know a clipper ship could exist, even though the indians could see the ripples in the water and the wake left by the ships.
3. In labs accross the US scientists have been able to make objects that are visible the the naked eye appear in two places at once, raising questions about the famous "I can't be in two places at once" line.

My "Love Languages"

Well, since Kelly did it, and I've heard Amanda talk about it, I decided to take the Five Languages of Love Test.

Here are my results:

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Acts of Service
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Acts of Service:		10
Physical Touch:		9
Quality Time:		6
Words of Affirmation:		5
Receiving Gifts:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Apparently, I don't like receiving gifts, which is not really true. I just think of gifts as like an "act of service" since some of the nicest things people have given me have been related to acts of service. For example,
Kelly and
Amanda gave me a gift certificate to Ikea which I loved but it was related to the hours upon hours they spent helping me move and clean. It was really an extension of their service (in cleaning and keeping me from going insane which is like trying to keep dirt off a sidewalk somedays).

Related to my five languages of love, what did I get my parents for Mother's Day/Father's Day...

1. A book called The Three Questions which I gave them last time I was here.
2. I washed the curtains in the kitchen and breakfast nook.
3. I bought a squeegie and a bucket.
4. I used the squeegie and bucket to wash the windows since the curtains were already down.
5. New cell phones. Not my brightest move.
6. I finally got the new microwave out which I gave them two years ago. They are now forced to use this one.
7. I helped my Dad carry the old microwave out the curb. Turns out in Cincinnati it can be thrown away with the regular trash.

While 1,3, and 5 are actualy gifts, washing the curtains was perhaps the biggest "act of service" and possible the most meaningful.

My Day of Rest

Yesterday I ran... more even that was scheduled on the Couch Potato Plan and the I played lots of tennis with Kao. She actually taught me how to serve. So now it's 9:30 on a Friday morning and I am sitting in my hamock.

I have to work later today (1-5) at the museum and tonight (6-12a) at the aquarium.

Tomorrow will be another day of rest but I may actually excercise and pack my car that day...

Also, I was doing laundry a couple of days ago. There I was in the laundry room sorting loads for the dryer and a neighbor who I've (sadly) never seen before comes in to get his laundry. He was in shorts with no shirt. I think I may have inadverntently growled when I saw him.

The Never Ending Story: My Bathroom

(again)

New updates for my bathroom:

1. After some drilling and several broken drill bits (sorry Kelly) my cabinet doors all properly open and close. One or two of those drill bits are permanently lodged in my vanity by the way. I hope that's not a problem.
   
2. After learning to use a hacksaw, I have now properly installed all of the drawers in my vanity. They too open and close properly. No drill bits were harmed in this portion of the day. I've also got to say, I'm very impressed with how easy the hacksaw turned out to be. I thought I'd still be sawing that metal track in two.
3. The towel rack (and towels) are back on the door. They look good.
4. A dark green shower curtain may be more of a challenge than I had first anticipated.
5. The hole in my ceiling is still there, and still gaping by the way.
6. The paint on my tub and floor is still there.
7. I got a shelf and drawer for under the vanity. Very nice. Can't wait to put them in.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel on this one. Bathroom redecorating is a long long tunnel.

the weekly call

I called my parents tonight for the weekly Sunday call. My Dad answered and says, "We're eating right now. We'll call you back on a conference call."

What?!?

Who the hell are you and what have you done with my real parents? The ones who just got cell phones last week? The ones who still don't know how to operate the DVD player? The ones who swore to my face that the microwave that's twenty years old (and takes 10 minutes to pop popcorn if it pops at all) isn't it dead?

I must have called the wrong house becuase I got the parents who can operate their new cell phones well enough to make a conferece call.

hm....

Well this is interesting. I'm not sure which disturbs me more. That two college students didn't understand there's no oxygen in a helium baloon, or that there is a Compressed Gas Association.

The Never Ending Story: My Bathroom

Since the begining, the things I have done to the bathroom

1. Taken everything out of it
2. Scraped paint off of the walls and ceiling (not my favorite job)
3. Two coats of kills over the areas where paint was scraped
4. Tried to patch a hole in the ceiling, I have spackle and I need joint compound. Let me know if you know what that means.
5. Removed the medicine cabinet and found even more razor blades. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to dispose of them behind the medicine cabinet clearly never had to replace a medicine cabinet.
   
6. Picked out paint colors. (Thank you Kelly)
7. Taped. Between the tile, the sink, the shower and the doors, my bathroom is all edges.
8. Painted the walls yellow. (Again, thank you Kelly)
9. Took the door off of the hinges.
   
10. Took the drawers and cabinet doors out of the vanity.
11. Sanded the drawers, cabinet doors, vanity, door and door frame. (Again, not my favorite job although not quite as bad as scaping paint).
    
12. Painted the fronts of the doors and cabinets yellow.
13. Painted the vanity blue.
14. Painted the door.
15. Painted the door frame.
16. Used Killz on the bottom inside of my vanity. It was foul, it needed it.
    
17. Installed the medicine cabinet. (I really thought this was going to be my least favorite job and it wasn't traumatic at all.)
18. Replaced the doorknob on the door. Note to Kelly, had the same problem we had last time. I missed your help.
19. Put in new hardware on the cabinets and tried to install them. Note here that I say tried. While the hinges fit the doors, they no longer close properly and I'm not sure what to do about it. Again, call me if you know.

Things I still need to do to my bathroom:

1. Make the cabinets close properly.
2. Touch up lots and lots of paint chips.
3. Put my towel rack back on the door.
4. Get a dark green shower curtain.
5. Patch my ceiling. (See number 4 above).
6. Put everything back in the bathroom. (I actually cannot wait to do that one because it means that both my bathroom and my bedroom will be clean again.)
7. Fix the track to one of my drawers. Anyone good with a hacksaw?
8. Clean paint off the walls, the tub, the sink and the floor.
9. Clean dirt and grime out of the bathroom.
10. Get a new shower curtain liner.
11. There must be more. Right now I'd be happy if my cabinet doors closed properly.
    

What I learned from the Wise Man, the Fish, the Bats, the Bear, the Snake and the Elephant

At the conference I attended, one of the workshops was on Shamanic Healing and Shamanic Journeys, and my Mom recommended I go. So the facilitator explains what a shamanic journey is and says, "We're going to do a little practice. I recommend going down, so pick a place in nature and find a hole in that place in nature and go down it and see what you see." And then she started drumming...

I was walking up and down Boone Hollow to a cave I love, aptly named Hell's Hole. It's really name is Miller's Pit #2. I went to the torpedo tube and crawled along my belly until I got to the breakdown room / skylight room in the cave. This is a cave I know well. In the breakdown room, I went under a huge slab of rock that I'd always wanted to investigate but never had.

Under there was a little wise man with a bald head and a white cloth. He was in a room in the cave with a big fire. The fire wasn't for warmth, it was for light. I knew the man was a kind man, so I asked him, "why do you live down here?"

He replied, "This is my safe place." It made sense to me, although it seemed like he could get lonely.

I asked him, "How can I make my heart not hurt for Malawi anymore?"

He looked at me and said, "let's go see the fish."

We went out into the cave and up into the potholes in the waterfall which are a gorgeous shade of blue. We went over to the side and through a small hole in the wall and into a small room with still water. In this little room lived a large cave fish. I asked the fish, "why do you live here?"

He replied, "This is my home. It is my safe place."

I asked him, "Don't you get lonely?"

He said, "I am connected to the water, and water is all over the earth. Everything that is in the water, all of the sharks and corals and fishes, and everything that touches the water, all the
tree roots and deers bending over to drink, is connected to me. I am not lonely because I am connected to everything."

I asked the man again, "How can I make my heart not hurt for Malawi?"

He said, "Let's go see the bear."

We went out of the room and back over the waterfall to the skylight room and flew up into the skylight. On the way up I touched the worms and the ferns and the damp soil and said hello. When we got to the top of the skylight thousands of bats flew out of the cave around me. I asked the man, "they live here, why do they leave?"

He told me, "This is where they sleep. It is not their safe place. You are their safe place."

Wow. Really. That's exciting. I've worked with bats and studied them and cared for them. One of the bats told me, " You are our safe place because of your kindness and gentleness you show all living creatures." The rule in my house is 'all life has value'.

The bats flew away in broad daylight and a bear came running at me. It was running and growling. I stood still and it ran until it's nose was at my nose and I could feel its breath blow my hair as it roared in my face. The man asked me, "Why did you stand still when this bear was running at you?"

I replied, "It is a good bear. Even though it was running at me and growling, it is a good bear and does not wish to cause harm." The bear walked away.

Again, I asked the man, "How can I make my heart not hurt for Malawi?"

He said, "Let's talk to the snake. Most people think that snakes are evil and you yourself have seen poisonous copperheads at this cave. But you know that snakes are not evil. Don't you?"

I said, "Yes, snakes are clever and wise." I knew that because I worked with some kids who taught me what they thought about snakes. Now when I see snakes, I think of them with those kids views, they are clever and lucky.

I asked the snake, "How can I make my heart not hurt for Malawi?"

The snake said, "Your heart is heavy because you do not share the burdren."

I thought about what he said. Someone else once told me that I was weighed down because I didn't think about sharing the load. She was talking about something else when she said that to me. But I do talk about Malawi and how things were there and what I learned. I realized that I only talked about it with people in my life right now and not the people who were in my life in Malawi.

I liked the fish in the water, so I decided to become a drop of water. I went into Boone Hollow creek and first into Hells Hole and then into Casecade Cave as a drop of water and looked around. I even went up the waterfall and into Casecade the hard way. Then I came back out into Boone Hollow, down to the Mississippi and out into the ocean. I crossed the Atlantic ocean, went into the ground water and came out of the water pump in Mpalale, my old village. I came out just like a cartoon person comes out of a faucet.

I spent time with the people in my village in Mpalale and realized I lost contact with them because I didn't know what to say, or how to explain why I left across the language barrier. Then I realized, to that family I could say, "God told me to go back home. And God told me to write you a letter now" and it would make all the sense in the world. I love that culture. So I spent some time in that village and then realized I needed to go to Linyangwa village in Kasungu, the place I was supposed to have lived. When I got there I was standing out in an open field and an elephant was running towards me. The same elephants I had been afraid would tear me limb from limb when I was in Kasungu, or all of Malawi really. It was running towards me and when it got to me, it hugged me with it's trunk. It hugged me so hard my feet came off the ground. And then I went back to the village and saw the people who would have been my family and neighbors, and the woman who was my friend and we sang and danced. I always loved the singing and the dancing. It was my safe place. I looked around my old house but it made me sad so I went back to the singing and the dancing and the people I had only known a day or two and back to the music. In Malawi, singing is really the only way to worship god. To this day, it's the most pure honest form of worship I have ever seen or heard. And then it was time to leave and travel in my head back to the present in Waterloo, Ontario.

Cool, huh?

I am on the phone right now

I am on the phone with Cesar right now and feel so dirty I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Partly because I don't want to hear what he's saying and partly because I don't like how I'm responding.

I am a cooking machine

I did lots and lots of cooking tonight. I made walleye with brazillian spices. The recipe actually called for shrimp marinated in lime juice, cilantro, eighteen heads of garlic (8 cloves really) and crushed red pepper. I have come to this conclusion: I don't like fish. Shrimp is ok, scallops are good, lobster is GOOD. Fish, not so much, which is too bad seeing as it's so good for women to eat.

Second I made chicken stock. I keep looking at this corn starch I bought. Every time I open my cupboard I can hear it say to me "egg drop soup would be sooo good". And then sometimes I think about making rice but I lack the chicken stock to do it. So for now, problem solved.

And then I made guacamole. The guac is the highlight probably. I added salsa. I don't know if my feelings about tomatoes have been made clear. Raw tomatoes are very very bad, but salsa I could eat by the bucket. I have no explanation. It's really good, I ate about half of it. I'm full now. I hope it stays until tomorrow. It should, there's only like a cup of lime juice in it.

Every time I cook I think of Mark. I keep thinking about what I will do when I finish school. There are some days in Minnesota, usually when it's about -1o degrees, that Florida sounds really nice, particularly the keys. I wonder what would finally make me move from Minnesota to Florida. It's nice to think about but it seems like there needs to be some critical event that would actually force the decision. I have no idea what that would be.

Something to entertain me

I was on "My Yahoo" page and one of the things I get is the eHow column.

The topics are
How to make your parents love you for who you are
How to have a healthy relationship

Seriously, just like that.
Anyone else think this is funny?

It's still funny

I was re-reading this post from a long time ago: One of the funniest things I've written
And I have to say, I still think it's funny.

My latest out of body experience

I was sitting in Reserach Methods class today. The professor in there is generally not well liked by the students but I have been holidng out simply because he did his undergrad at UC in criminal justice like myself.

Since I was a hold out and didn't join in to the general sentiment that this was a bad professor, and also because the professor talks to me about UC all the time, people kept saying to me "you're Velmer's girlfriend". I am in grad school. These are social workers. I am not enjoying this.

Today we had a 40 question quiz which got absolutely screwed up due to a "copying error" with the answer sheet. In the end we got 10 points free for his mistake. I actually felt pretty bad for the guy until later on.

After the quiz we were sitting in class taking notes on sperious relationships. I looked up from my notes to see him looking at me as he was talking. I slowly turned bright red. He ended the sentence with "you know this, what's a sperious relationship?" My hand was not raised. I did not want to answer this question and I really didn't want to talk. Luckily someone else chimed in and answered the question.

But then I started paying more attention, just looking up from time to time noticing he was looking at me. I was absolutely red. I'm sure if I were in sandals my feet would have been red. I was so embarrased and so completely stressed I just wanted him to stop looking at me. And then I began to notice that everyone else was noticing him looking at me which just increased my level of redness and anxiety.

I had this total out of body experience when I could see him looking at me and see the other studnets seeing him looking at me and then they would look at me. I wanted out of my own skin so bad it hurt at that moment.

I am so mad I can barely see straight

My night all started when Cesar asked me if we could go out tonight. We saw a movie called Syriana... save your money if you have the option. Anyways, after the movie the opportunity to make out presented itself, and again I declined. It's always easier to go back to Minnesota not having made out with a guy here. After that we started talking, and talked for a really long time.

I can't remember all of the things we talked about. The biggest thing was that Cesar needs to be documented, the easiest way to do that is to marry a citizen. But Cesar would never marry me so he can get documented. But he needs to get documented...

Then he tells me that it's hard for him to see me because we live so far away from each other, which is true. The more I start talking to him, the more I miss him. The closer I get to seeing him again, the more I miss him. But, it's too hard so we shouldn't see each other at all.

I said, we need to continue this conversation but not tonight. Partly because I could feel my heart tearing open, partly becuase it was late and I have my Dad's car and I didn't want the parents to be worried. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm heart broken or mad as hell or a bit of both.

The thing about marriage and citizenship: I would never marry Cesar so he could be documented. I would marry Cesar because I love him. I don't really care if documentation is a part of that package or not. Cesar wont come to Minnesota, partly because his family is here and partly because traveling is really dangerous for him. Would I move back to Cincinnati? I don't know, but if Cesar and I actually were in a relationship that's a decision we get to make together. Tonight he basically said that I was up in Minnesota and it wouldn't work out. I don't know if that's true. He doesn't get to decide that, he get's to ask, and then we get to make the decision together.

I am seriously so mad and angry and upset... I'm glad I'm in Cincinnati and there's really good ice cream here. That's really the only thing keeping me going at this point.

Don't know what I was going to say

I was at a sexual harrasment training this morning for work. I had this great idea of what to write about, but I totally cona't remmeber.

I thought I'd just write a few lines in the hopes of remembering, but nothing is coming to me.

I'm going to write about all of the good things that happened today, and see if I can block out all of the bad. The team at the museum went up on the floor today, and they did really well. We made kaleidoscopes and "vocal chord" cups. Some of the new, and some of the old, did a really good job and totally impressed me. I was most impressed with people who I thought would be really quiet and shy, and they were totally what they needed to be.

Ok, then I downloaded some songs from singing fish which is a fantastic website. I am ok with the fact that I got a new kids on the block song. You know you used to listen to them too.

All of these things that I think about...

My dad is in town this weekend. He's actually asleep right now and going home tomorrow. We didn't really get much time togehter but we had a really nice meal tonight. I had ceviche which is my favorite food ever in life. It was really spicy though. I guess the next time I'll see my parents i sat thanksgiving.

I'm thinking about getting a PDA. There are all of these wild deals on Ebay. They look too good to be true. Anyone know if they erally are? Theyare some PDAs where the opening bid is like one penny or so. These are supposedly new, never opened items that should be selling for $300 or so. I'll give it a few days. I'm assuming the price will go up.

I'd like to have a PDA that can do wirelss, also so that I can have a calendar wherever I am. My life gets so screwed up when I just have my calendar on my computer at home.

Right now I'm watching the three musketeers. My DVD player is functioning for the moment. At some point I really should get it cleaned...

Somewhere in my future or past

I was reading tonight about child development, especially infants and toddlers. There was this section on SIDS that I just couldn't even read. It felt like I was retraumatizing myself, and the parts on children with developmental disabilities, physical disabilities, etc. was totally painful as well. I just couldn't read the SIDS one, it was too awful to think about having a baby and then having it die so little for no reason. Ugh.

Nothing has happened to me in this life that would bring about such a strong response, so I am wondering if in a past life, something awful happened and I was a part of it, possible the Mom or Dad that lost a kid all of a sudden.

Anyone else believe in this past life stuff, or am I all alone out here?