What my birthday means

Here's what my birthday means. Also, I got a bloody nose on the bus today. A real true bloody nose. It's not even winter yet. What is going on here?

Your Birthdate: June 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

My life in a car

I drove to and from my internship this morning, and it was one of the better things I've done in a while. As I was in my car driving, I rmemebered how my life had had been before I started school. I remember thinking this was how my life was back when I was a normal person. I'm begining to understand why my mother was always making comments about not being a normal person during the school year. Imagine being a professor, that would be even worse because not having a normal life would be normal. It's all very wild.

So after that, I rode my bike to the 38th st station and bused from there to school. I'm actually feeling better that I have a decent way to get home tonight that doesn't rely on the buses running exactly perfectly on time.

One of the funniest things I've ever written

I was writing a paper tonight when I wrote what I think is one of the funniest things I've ever written. I'm going to post it, and we'll see if I think it's funny in a week, or if y'all think it's funny right now.

More broadly, there is a view in southern Ohio, particularly in Cincinnati, that anything that is educated, articulate and wearing shoes comes from Ohio. Anything that is backwards and chews tobacco with the two teeth it has left is from Kentucky.

Restorative Justice

I am on a restorative justice panel. Once a month or so, we meet with a person who has plead guilty to a crime, usually soliciting a prostitute. The person is able to make a contract with the panel about what he/she will do to repair the harm to the community. If they complete the terms of their contract, their record will be cleared.

The members of the panel are volunteers, mostly from the community. It's a very interesting panel. Most of the people on it are very cool, very chill people. They're really not looking to jam anyone up, or hurt anyone. They're not there to be vindictive or seek retribution. I am there because I see the value of the program and I like being involved in it. I like being involved because I see the value of the program.

A new volunteer showed up last night and sat on the same panel as me. What I got out of that experience was that it reaffirmed for me that I am not here to punish people. I am here to help people repair the community and then say, "you have done your part, the harm is repaid and you are welcome in my community any time". It also helped me clearly articulate that the goal of the panel is not to be retributive or punish people. I as a community member don't get anything out of making someone do more work just because I can. I as a community member see the value of having someone participate in my community by volunteering. I also learned that people of different cultures can have a bit of an identity thing happening, where they this one identity that's based on their cultural history and beliefs, and another identity based on what's happening in the environment where they live now. And I see now they both can be very real for a person, and it's helpful to see when that is going on, because both are happening and both experiences are true even though one is the total opposite of the other. This new person helped me see that.

I wonder what I'll think when I re-read this post, if I'll remember what else was happening. When I re-read my journal from Malawi, there's what I was saying which was fairly optimistic and what was going on in my head at the time which was not optimistic at all. I remember both when I look at those journals, but others who don't know the situation wouldn't get that from the journals at all. I'm wondering if I'll have the same experience with this post. Not that there's something I'm not telling you...

How Panic Attacks Make Everything OK

I haven't blogged in a really long time, since school started or before I would guess. School is keeping me amazingly busy, and what it's not doing for my schedule, work and the internhsip are.

I have this one class that's a seminar basically where we talk about everything that's going on in our field placements. The class is Wednesday (today is Friday so I already had it this week), and last Monday I had a crazy panic attack while I was trying to fall asleep. I really was not looking forward to going to this class because it's a "talk about your feelings" kind of class which is just not for me. I was also feeling uncomfortable because people in this class have a tendency to share way too much, and when it's my turn I don't want to be expected to share the same amount of information.

Monday night, I was thinking about this, and getting more and more freaked out the more I thought about it until I totally tensed up and started crying and knew that there was no hope of sleep even though it was midnight and I had to be somewhere at 7am the next day. I went out on the couch and turned a movie on and let the sound put me too sleep. At some point in the middle of the night I did successfully manage to crawl into bed and get some sleep.

The next day I was so worn out from having had that panic attack that at the very least, I wasn't worried about that stupid class so I could function the whole day. Wednesday, I was still pretty worn out, just totally drained from this panic attack so that I wasn't worried about the class.

My field instructor really wanted me to talk to the professor before hand and tell her how I was feeling, but I didn't want to. The FI wanted me to say that this seminar doesn't fit my learning style and group processing is not my thing. I didn't really want to say anything to the professor because it's not a "learning style" issue, it's an "I have OCD and anxiety" issue that I'm not ready to discuss with anyone here.

I didn't say anything to the professor bur I also didn't raise my hand to talk, and the thing I noticed is that she doesn't call on people, she really lets us talk on our own which I appreciate because most of the time I don't want to say anything so I don't have to. For now, I will not be disclosing my anxiety problems to the professor, which gets to be my choice, despite the advice from my FI which I appreciate.

It's going to be an interesting conversation on Tuesday when I tell my FI that I didn't talk to the professor. She's going to give me a really hard time about it. I really do appreciate her input and acknowledge that she's got some experience in this, but this also gets to be my decision about what I share with people, who I share it with, and how that information is shared.

The other thing that will never come up after today is ADD/ADHD and that whole diagnosis. The professors around here seem to make a lot of jokes about that. I don't want them to know I have ADD because of those jokes, and because I think they might feel uncomfortable having made those jokes once they know my whole situation. (At least they really should feel uncomfortable having made those jokes because some of them were very unkind and made me feel pretty uncomfortable).

My life is seven years

The last game we played today was too imgaine my life in seven years. I think I did the worst on this one, or it was the most metaphoric.

I was sitting at home with a baby just hanging out. It was my baby, and I realized it was Deb's home where I was two or three days ago. I liked the baby and I actually liked my husband. I don't know why I'm always surprised in dreams when I like my husband, and always encouraged by it too I guess.

I kept going with it, couldn't tell whether I had one kid or two, I think just one. But I liked my husband and Amanda and Kelly were still around. Amanda was much better with the little baby than Kelly, that's more a memory I had than something that I saw in the dream, but Kelly is the person whose temper I would want around a child.

Anyways, I'm never sure in these things if the kids I see are realy kids or if they are a metaphor for something. The bummer is that the husband who I liked could have been a metaphor too. And the house, I liked the house, all the stuff in it was new, I thought, this is a good place to be.

The last thing we had to do was ask the future self a question, like how they got there. I couldn't really tell myself how I got to this place where I had a little baby and all of these people I liked being around, even though I asked. The future me just sort of sat there speechless. I thought, "oh yea, this is for real". I'm sure that was just what I wanted to see my life as.

Why Alicia Keeps Showing Up

One of the other games we played togay was the psychic game, where somebody asks one quesiton, something they want to know the answer to, and then a second question. The answer to the first question is in the second question.

So for the second question, I had to picture myself in a place, then a person was coming and that person handing me soemthing who was the person and what did they hand me. Obviously, I was in a cave with bats. I had my headlight on my head but not my helmet, which means I was bat netting but not caving. Anyways, I tend to let bats fly around my head, no problem. Then someone was coming towards me, who is it? Alicia, it's always Alicia in these things. She showed me something that was on a piece of paper, I think it was something Jackie had written for us, really good news because we were both excited about it.

Anyways, I had to a game like this once before and I was in a scary place, and it asks me who I see, and it was Alicia then too.

If I ever have to do these games, I will in a cave or with a bat and Alicia will be coming to help me. I'm always in a cave and Alicia is always coming to get me.

I think a horse helped me out one time

I went to this thing today about Edgar Cayce and the Akashik Record. The Akashik record is basically a record of everything that's ever happened, from how the universe was created to what I did in my previous life. It's pretty wild.

Anyways, one of the excercises is to think of a past life and figure out who was in the life and what was going on. I pictured myself in the mountains out west, maybe the black hills by a stream. I was this young Indian with my hair in two braids, which is probably why I don't wear my hair in braids ever, and there was this horse there with me. I liked to ride him bear back. I was looking at my reflection in the water, I was really happy about something. I had just come from somewhere, and I was really happy about something that had happened there, and really happy the horse was there with me. That horse was a friend of mine I think.

Then we were supposed to think of that life as a child and who was there with me, and I was in a teepee sitting on someone's lap. Probably my gramma or grandpa I don't know. I didn't really know anyone who was there, but I didn't really think about it either.

The thing I remember about that life too was that I was sort of seperate from everyone else, sort of withdrawn which is exactly how I am now. I have a few friends but even they don't get to be super super close to me. I never really minded being a little outside the group, doing things a little differently, and I really liked that horse.

Every time I see horses now, even on TV, I think they're being overworked or we ask too much out of horses. Dr. Quinn is a favorite TV show of mine, and I think about how in that time they made horses run many many miles a day because we can't and I always feel bad for the horses like they're being overworked. I think I still feel grateful to that horse, I liked him.

Why I'm a Bad Child

I don't really want to write about this right now, but I know it'll make me feel better.

My parents and I have been on vacation with three friends of theirs. I was the youngest person on the trip by a generation or two. Anyways, my parents and I just got back to Minneapolis. My Mom and I were going to pick out a movie and my Dad asked me to get him a six pack on the way. I said ok at the time, but I realized I didn't want to get him a six pack at all.

I talked to Mom about it and asked if I could just not get him anything. The compromise was to get him non-alcoholic beer. I knew not getting him the beer was the right thing to do, but I was sort of dreading telling him when I got home, which went almost as badly as I expected.

This whole vacation has sort of been rocky between my Dad and I. I really don't like to watch him drink, so while I made the decision for the right reasons, it just looks like an extension of us not getting along so well right now. It's like being back in highschool. I just don't want to be around him and apparently I only like my Mother. It's all very strange.

Ok, that's all I can stand for now. I hate typing when my fingernails are this long, it just feels wrong.

Just hanging out

I am just hanging out at work at this point. It's only kind of silly. Yesterday my big project was making an excel sheet that can calculate a person's SSI payment if they return to work. I also learned to lock documents and unlock cells that can be changed.

Today, I did a crossword, playfour, and a cryptogram. I also went to a training where I learned that everything I had ever done was wrong for a certain program at work. It's really a funding stream that I'm not going to name. It's not so much finding out that I was doing everything wrong as the manner it was presented in, and the ridiculousness of not being taught correctly in the begining.

We have a person at work who's sole job is professional education. A most unfortunate side effect of this position is that it's made this person think she knows more than the rest of us. I feel very condescended to when I'm around her. That was ok in the begining when I really didn't know that much, but now it's hard not to feel insulted by it.

The positive side effect of this is that no one wants to deal with our professional ed person, so we use our co-workers as professional resources to a much greater degree, we get to know each other better, and have a much greater respect for people's skills and abilities.

The other thing that's happened at work is another co-worker of mine talks to me a lot. That in itself is not a bad thing. I think I just like to talk about different things than her. She's much more of a "J" than I am. I mean I'm mostly a J but I have my P moments when I'm hanging out with people I know having a good time or relaxing.

J and P are personality measures from the meyers-briggs type indicator, which if you've never taken, you should. If you have taken it, I'm an INFJ most of the time and an INTJ the rest.

It still feels like getting kicked in the stomach

I got a letter from a girl who lived in Malawi with me. She left after a few months. She was telling me about all our firends there and what they're doing. It still feels like getting kicked in the stomach every time I think about not being there. It still feels like a loss that's fresh in my mind.

The thing about Malawi was I never knew people as open and accepting as lived there. I only went once to the community I was supposed to live in but I never doubted that I'd fit in there. I never once worried about that.

I spent a lot of time worrying about the Minibuses, which are really a 1984 toyota minivan with balding tires packed with twenty people and live stock. I was always worried that one was going to flip and I was going to loose a limb and have to deal with that the rest of my life. I also worried about rampaging elephants and lions maiming not. I really didn't worry about dying, I worried about winding up with these horrible disfigurements as a reminder of this choice to go to Africa against my better judgement and my parents and my friends.

It was interesting in her email to me that she said it made her crazy as well. I'm thinking there's more to that malaria mediciation than meets the eye. I have OCD (although not officially diagnosed), and so I have bad anxiety sometimes. Usually I have anxiety about things I can control, like did I lock the door, did I fill out that form correctly, etc. This was the weirdest anxiety because it was about things I should be anxious about, minibuses do crash, and an elephant was shot in my village because it got loose, but it wasn't anything I could control.

It was the worst anxiety I'd ever felt in my life, and I didn't know how to control it. It was awful. Eventually the only thing left for me to do was leave, which relieved some anxiety. Since then, and it's been over a year, I've learned a lot about what's going on with me and OCD and how to deal with it. But I still think about the things and the people I lost, and what I would have if I stayed there.

I was talking to someone the other day who told me that she was sorry I had such a short time in Africa, and I told her without really thinking about it that I had exactly the right time in Africa. Interesting. I'd go back in a heartbeat if there were different malaria drugs that didn't make me nuts.

Boy shot in eye...

I was on My Yahoo! page. I have it set up to get local news for Minneapolis where I live and Cincinnati, where I grew up. One of the headlines from the Cincinnati news was "Boy Shot in Eye with BB Gun". The story was not that great, but just read the headline again, "Boy Shot in Eye with BB Gun". It's such an unfortunate headline. I'll never be able to take the story seriously because my mind just goes straight to Ralphie and A Christmas Story.

restoratvie justice council

I'm on a restoratvie justice council. I'm not sure I've talked about it before. What happens is a person comes in, and depending on what they have been charged with, they have a certain number of points they have to meet.

The first thing that happens is that the person has to take responsiblity for their actions. That's usually the intersting part. That's what's hardest for most people. But it gets into issues about what is the responsiblity of the members of the panel. Because we can really wind up making some judgements or imposing our values in a way that's innapropriate.

It's interesting because I don't always know what my job is. Although I made a suggestion in the middle of the panel and people later thanked me for my input. Just a learning process about when my input is appropriate.

There's was one point tonight when I could have made a point and sort of nailed the guy to the wall but I didn't. Should I have? Maybe. It certainly would have taken the conversation in a different direction. I'm not always sure of what I'm doing in there. My Mom taught me that when I'm not sure what to do, I should always think about doing what is the highest good. Is the highest good getting someone to totally accept responsiblity for their actions or does it really matter? Is the highest good really that they can be a part of the community still?

So that's my day.
Also, I got a couch. Exciting to be laying on the couch, typing on my blog, and watching a movie. Also, I'm lawyig on my couch. :)

I'm having issues

I'm having issues with my "borrowed" internet connection.

There are some wireless networks around me that are not secured so I have been enjoying them. However, the sketchyness of the wireless network accessability tonight has made me know that I soon will need to call and get road runner for myself, sad though it may be.

Otherwise, today was good. I worked a lot and then had dinner and played Rummy 500 with Amanda. Here, I'd like to say hi to a girl called Heidi who was in the peace corps with me and taught me said game. I wooped Amanda's rear end, so thanks for teaching me.

At this point, I'm having pangs of wishing I had stayed in Africa, but writing about going crazy in Africa and why I left is for another night.

I Tried Job Coaching

I was supposed to job coach today. The person I was supposed to coach couldn't do her job, the person she was supposed to take care of wasn't home. So that was my latest brush with job coaching. I think tommorow is the day the hammer may actually drop though.

I transfered another person I was working with so I'm starting to loose my clients. It's only a little bit sad. I'm also getting excited to get done.

After work I came home and sat by the pool. Then I went to this informal owners meeting in the condo. That was pretty interesting if only because it sucked so bad. There are people who I've noticed are really good advocates for their position, and people who work well in groups. I am a colaborater. I think that we shoudl do whatever is best for the group. I accept that may not always mean I get the best deal. But, I am part of the group and whatever is best for the group is ultimately best for me as well.

I'm learning that people like that are hard to recognize in this assocation. I haven't found anyone else like that really. I don't know if it's cause they're not here or they're not active or they're hard to recognize. I wish another one would show up though.

The other thing about that meeting is that it felt a little bit "behind the back" of the board which is not ok with me. It seems like if people have concerns about the board then they need to bring them up to the board members. It's hard to do because the board can get defensive and things can go not so well.

So, if you're a collaborator and looking to buy a condo in Minneapolis, let me know. I need another collaborator to get my back in some of these things.

Mom's whirlwind visit

Mom left today around 5pm. We had quite a week.

The first day or so was rough, but after that, I decided to have a good time.

We went up to the outlets at Albertville and bought a table and chairs and a couch. The couch gets delivered next Wednesday, no one knows about the table and chairs. I got two nonstick pans at the correlle store. (I love correll dishes.) She got a bra. We also went to Ikea, which is really an experience and I recommend to anyone going anywhere near Minneapolis and the Mall of America.

After that, we went into sightseeing mode. I was done with shopping. We took a bus over to the St. Paul campus of the University of Minnesota and walked around. Then we rode over to East Campus and had lunch. Then we took a bus to a train to the Mall of America and went to the aquarium there, Underwater Adventures. Then at night we ate at El Norteno where I wont be going back for a long time. We had a pretty bad time service wise but a nice time visiting with each other. Two of my friends came for that meal as well.

Today we hung out. I gave Joyce the keys to the old place and got the last of my mail. I haven't got any mail at the new place though which is starting to worry/annoy me.

After Mom left, I read a book, did laundry, and sat by the pool and read a book. I also got a call from a friend who's mother was just diagnosed with skin cancer. They don't know how bad it's going to be yet, but I think she's pretty worried.

I'm also reading a book called Good in Bed which, well, two of my friends loved it. I am still on the fence. There are things that I like about it and things that I'm not too wild about at all, and I haven't decided how I feel about it. Usually I like books where there's no chance at all that those things could actually happen in real life, or at least in this lifetime, so this book is a stretch for me. I'm doing my best.

Mom's Here

There was a lot of drama getting my Mom here. Her first flight was cancelled and then it got all screwed up when she was going to get here or not. But she's here.

I always have a rough time with my parents. This was part of my thing in Africa too. It's part of the OCD thing I think. I have these thoughts like if I don't tell my parents how much I love them, if they don't know how much I love them, then something bad is going to happen. It's hard to explain, it's more of a desperate feeling than it sounds. So when I have a rough day, and get sick of being with my parents, it's scary because of these other unwanted thoughts about how I have to show them I love them all of the time.

I'm not doing this feeling justice, because I really can be calm when saying goodbye to my parents. I can do ok with being apart from them, when I'm calm. When I getscared and anxious and the OCD kicks in, it's awful because I think I have to show them how much I love them all of the time or something bad will happen.

So that's the kind of night I'm having. It's late and I have to take a shower, and then be up by 7am.

Why I Love Bananas

I was once in this group of people and one of the ice breakers was saying what your favorite food is. My favorite food, for the moment, is bananas. One of the other people in the group asked what the story was with my liking bananas. I just like them, but I think I should come up with a better story than that.

I lived in Africa once, in a tiny country called Malawi. There were bananas all over the place. The only food I really recognized from Minnesota. There was also guava and passion fruit and papaya and things like that. Those are harder to come by in Minnesota though. The other things I recognized, which are also now my favorite foods were potatoes and sweet potatoes, greens, and tomatoes which I will never like though I still check from time to time.

I'd walk home every day from the house we used as a classroom. The kids would always come running up to meet me and carry my books. I always let them. Heidi never did. I don't know why, but it was always one of those things I felt ok about, like I wasn't violating any child labor laws.

I don't know what made me think of that. I've finally been able to shop and have normal food in the house again, including bananas so maybe that is it. One day I will have to add in about the gots (mbuzi) and the cows (gnombe) and the chickens (nkuhku) running around the banana tree. And also the ants and the clay and the mud stove (chitofu cha dhoti).

sitting at the pool and other fun things

Today is the fourth of July, as my blog obviously says.

I have the day off both jobs which is exciting. Something like that hasn't happened since March when I flew home a day late and didn't have to go to either job. That was a lucky thing because I was so frazzled after getting all of my financial aid forms together in Cincinnati to have them ready to take to the U as soon as I got off the airplane.

I spent part of the day sitting at the pool and reading a book Kelly recommended called Good in Bed which is well written. I'm not that into it. I'm more reading it for Kelly and Amanda who both loved it. It's really funny, and well written as I said, but I don't like reading books about anything that could actually happen in my lifetime I guess. I'm sure that's why Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings are my favorite books.

Right now I'm sitting on my patio enjoying the outdoors in good old Minneapolis. I have a nice courtyard to look at. I'm not sure how much longer I'll have it though. I guess they're re-doing in starting Tuesday or Wednesday.

I think my computer is freaking out now so I will go.
Have fun!

All moved and the work never ends

I thought that there would be a time when I felt moved in. A shining moment when all of my things were put away and everything was clean, and I would feel good about it. That moment hasn't come yet and I'm starting to think it never will. I am, on the other hand, starting to appreciate how the work never ends. And I live in a one bedroom condo. There's not even a yard to take care of. Thank god or I'd never do anything else.

I cleaned out two more cabinents in my kitchen and the last drawer of things that were left. Whoever had this place last didn't clean it before they moved. I've found lots and lots of other people's things here. The greatest hits list includes old cooked pasta, oatmeal, a really nice set of wrenches, gross soap covered in hair, toenails, and the razo blade that I cut myself on one Saturday night a while ago. The razor blade was really the worst. It was in the bottom of one of the drawers in the bathroom. I found it when I was wiping out the bottom of the drawer and jammed my thumb into it.

That acutally resulted in another funny story involving a friend of mine and a weird phone message.

At this point, I'm avioiding dishes. I'm at that weird point where I don't have enough dishes to ever really fill up the dishwasher... Ok, I'm out on the patio typing right now and THE LOUDEST firework I ahve ever heard just went off. All I heard was the noise, I didn't see the thing, but wow! was it loud.