Why I'm going to hell. Besides the usual reasons

I had an interesting exchange at work today. It pointed out all the reasons I'm going to hell. Can you have remorse without guilt?

I was asking my co-workers about the culture up here regarding Martin Luther King Day. In the discussion a native Minnesotan colleague mildly excused agencies and places of business up here that do not take the day off. And then asked me if I celebrated Black History Month. I did not even tried to hide the eye roll. I pointed out that one is a month, (not unlike Breast Cancer Awareness Month or National Family Caregiver Awareness Month) and that Martin Luther King Day is a federal holiday.

And the co-worker went off. Went off on me. Boom. And I just sat there and let her. And the more upset she got, the more I got into my own head. I was sitting there thinking about how to diffuse the situation without really feeling any emotions at all. Something that I learned in social work school is that only one person can be in affect, (means emotions) at one time, and everyone else goes into the cognitive (means thinking) state. It's really true.

The point the person was trying to make is that I treat her like she's stupid. And I got more and more into my own head (and here's the part where I'm really going to hell) listening to her cite examples of what she felt were inferior intelligence in herself. While she was going off on me. For making her feel stupid. And I was really able to see the ridiculousness and patheticness of a person sitting in front of me saying "here's all the reasons I could be stupid, don't make me feel stupid".

Still inside my own head. Showing no emotion at all. Saying, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" and "I apologize" and she kept going and going. Giving more examples. And then she said "I'm older than you" as another reason she was smart. I still had no visible emotion but that is the one thing I remembered later. I remember someone saying once, "if you have to tell someone you're an adult, you're not". I take crap all the time because of my age in my job. And so do this person, I know she does. Apparently the age thing is pissing me off. I remember another friend saying that she was two years older (and therefore wiser) and I remember being younger but understanding why she was wrong. (It's not anyone reading this blog.)

So anyways, you know, I never really got too much into my own emotions about the whole thing. I apologized right away and didn't make any excuses. But I also didn't really consider too much about how I felt about the situation. Like, do I feel bad? It was a very intellectual exercise in social work to get out of that conversation. Also, some of the things she was saying were totally accurate. I'm impatient. Those are the usual reasons I'm going to hell. I still haven't felt bad about it. The other reasons I'm going to hell.

More than one person had said this colleague will teach me to mellow out. I haven't fully embraced the mellowing yet. Although I feel like I will approach a zen-like state when I can really be around this person and not caught up in my own shit. I need to re-learn self-hypnosis. So can you feel remorse without feeling guilty? Maybe I feel guilt and shame and just haven't admitted it yet. Although posting this on my blog might be a step in the right direction.