I am so mad I can barely see straight

My night all started when Cesar asked me if we could go out tonight. We saw a movie called Syriana... save your money if you have the option. Anyways, after the movie the opportunity to make out presented itself, and again I declined. It's always easier to go back to Minnesota not having made out with a guy here. After that we started talking, and talked for a really long time.

I can't remember all of the things we talked about. The biggest thing was that Cesar needs to be documented, the easiest way to do that is to marry a citizen. But Cesar would never marry me so he can get documented. But he needs to get documented...

Then he tells me that it's hard for him to see me because we live so far away from each other, which is true. The more I start talking to him, the more I miss him. The closer I get to seeing him again, the more I miss him. But, it's too hard so we shouldn't see each other at all.

I said, we need to continue this conversation but not tonight. Partly because I could feel my heart tearing open, partly becuase it was late and I have my Dad's car and I didn't want the parents to be worried. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm heart broken or mad as hell or a bit of both.

The thing about marriage and citizenship: I would never marry Cesar so he could be documented. I would marry Cesar because I love him. I don't really care if documentation is a part of that package or not. Cesar wont come to Minnesota, partly because his family is here and partly because traveling is really dangerous for him. Would I move back to Cincinnati? I don't know, but if Cesar and I actually were in a relationship that's a decision we get to make together. Tonight he basically said that I was up in Minnesota and it wouldn't work out. I don't know if that's true. He doesn't get to decide that, he get's to ask, and then we get to make the decision together.

I am seriously so mad and angry and upset... I'm glad I'm in Cincinnati and there's really good ice cream here. That's really the only thing keeping me going at this point.